“You should travel more, Tina.”
The words stung my bitter, early-twenties heart. Cesar had JUST started visiting new cities, mostly in search of his next place to live & work, and it felt like a dig coming from the best friend that was more like a sibling and also happened to be my roommate at the time. & we sure did bicker like brother and sister and loved each other just as fiercely.
It was the last thing I needed to hear at that time of my life, where I felt like I wasn’t doing anything or going anywhere (literally, I guess). & at that time, I remember it so clearly, I was nursing what felt like a forever broken heart.
Sometime later, after a weekend at ACL (the biggest music festival in Texas) on a VERY DUSTY year, I came home to a really upset stomach. No, it was more than that … it felt like a ball of fire in my gut. Cesar was the one to drive me to the ER where I stayed for a week. My best friend Maria visited me, bringing me a mini suitcase slapped with fake travel stamps from the gift shop to symbolize what became our inside joke, “You should travel more, Tina”, said mockingly and in an annoyed voice. I left that hospital stay with one mini suitcase and no gallbladder.
Some time after that, my childhood friend, B, invited me to visit her in Chicago. I had only taken a few flights before then, one was actually to see Cesar graduate in El Paso, my friend Desi coming with me and guiding me through the airport.
This time, I’d be traveling solo and I was SO NERVOUS. My childhood was full of road trips to Eagle Pass and Piedras Negras, and occasionally Rosita. That was our version of leaving the state.
My friend April walked me through navigating the airport alone over and over days before the trip. & I actually came to love traveling alone. I adore airports and I think it holds the best people watching.
Over the course of the years after that, I learned to accept most offers for a trip to anywhere… I’ve driven to Chicago, Detroit, Louisiana, California, New York and everywhere in between. I love road trips as much as I love quick flights.
Cesar eventually left for California, his ultimate goal and dream. He lived in the bay and I always planned to visit him. He visited me in San Antonio one last time in 2018 for my five year Very That anniversary. We’d both accomplished some of the biggest things on our lists.
We kept talking about me coming up to visit him, and I must admit that I was a bit worried. We were once attached at the hip, completely immersed in each other’s lives… but the last time we saw each other, some of that spark was gone. Nothing happened, just time and distance. & purpose, I suppose…
It was a shock when he told me he was sick. It was cancer… a really bad one. & the last time I talked to him was during the height of the pandemic. He said he was scared and wasn’t sure what was going to happen. At that point visiting was impossible. The world was at a halt and his health was too fragile for any visitors, but especially those flying in from Texas. A few months later there was an intimate ceremony in honor of his life, and I could only join online.
I didn’t prioritize seeing him in all of the years of health and t’s one of my biggest regrets that I didn’t make that trip.
Now, as I type this on a plane (with an empty middle seat, yay!), I can’t help think of my Soozie Q. and his encouragement of travel. I was annoyed at the time, yes, but also maybe with a hint of younger sister jealousy that wished I could.
This trip marks my fourth in a row with my sister for our annual thing. I hope we keep it up forever. I think of Cesar every time I pack a suitcase for my next trip, or walking into an airport, or just before take off when I say my quiet prayers… I ask him to guide me to the next one.