2018 was the year my dad, El Pino, saved my life, helped heal my heart, surprised me in ways I can't articulate. People can change in astronomical ways-- he has proved this to me twice.
Did you know I have wings now? I do.
June 4th, 2018
I had a transformative limpia with Erika, this time in the form of a plática. We sat at her table to talk projects, and slowly I started crumbling. My panza gave me issues all Summer long and I couldn't understand why. It was my mother, you see. I carried the pain of her rejection deep in my stomach. I don't remember how it came up, pero me desahogué con Erika that day and drove home changed.
Yvette was in our studio, packaging orders away, and she saw me physically and emotionally shaken. I told her what happened, I confessed that there was pain in my heart for withholding something so important about me from my dad. I knew it was time to come out, but was terrified.
My dad- known as Pino to all, is a complicated person. He's an introvert. He's old school. He has a brilliant mind. He's a Scorpio. My entire life I've challenged him and have been terrified of him.
I knew deep down, knew it like a fact, that he could never accept a queer daughter. My house, my most precious possession, is in his name. A gift yes, but not technically mine. I pictured myself having to leave it, having to figure out where to work. I imagined holidays and birthdays without my family.
It's not far fetched, people go through this and so much more. The deepest pain came from the fear of rejection. My mom had already done it to me and those scars are deep. I cried at the thought of a life without my father.
Yvette held me up- she told me it was time and that SHE knew it would be ok. I swear to you, I start with believing her in most things, but I knew she was wrong. She urged me, she challenged me, she pushed me (gently, but firm in her opinion). She's a scorpio too. I got the ganas, I got the guts, and I left my house and drove directly to him.
The whole drive there my hands, my legs, my body was shaking. My heart was beating so fast, so fast, so fast-- and I kept repeating to myself that it would all be ok. He's going to love you. He's going to accept you. It's okay. It's okay. itsokayitsokayitsokay. ITSOKAYCRISTINAITSOKAY.
When I got to his place, he was busy of course- it was the middle of a busy work day. I told him we needed to talk and that it had to be done in private. I waited in my car for him. I never demand such time from him, he knew it was important.
The conversation that followed changed my entire life. He knew. He already knew without anyone telling him. He said he loved me no matter what- that he was waiting for me to tell him.
My Papi saved me that day, saved US, saved my heart.