Facebook memories have a funny way of making time stop for me. Today's reminder from three years ago REALLY had me pause for a long time and reflect.
If you know me or have been following me for a minute, you know that my casita has a huge part of my heart. I have lived in one house my whole life, this house. I likely took my first steps, said my first words in this very place. One of my greatest manifestations has been this house, I've always known she was meant to be mine.
I take great pride in my home and she is my favorite place to be.
Three years ago today, I was at breakfast with two friends working on J's campaign. I have dope friends that do dope shit. She was in the very early stages of running for city council. I offered my design help and in the middle of our meeting, I receive a text that changed everything.
I was with my ex for just under two years, and while there were some good moments there was a lot of manipulation and abuse (although I didn't know to call it that at the time). Any time I tried to leave, I was met with threats of suicide and self-harm. That in itself made it almost impossible to leave. She knew my heart, she knew the softest parts of it, and played on that.
TW (abuse, violence, suicide):
She sent me a photo of a noose hanging from my back porch next to a ladder. I have long since deleted her messages, but she said something along the lines of, "This is what you have lead me to do."
This wasn't the first time she threatened to kill herself, actually it happened quite often, but this was the first time she put the full blame on me.
I broke down as soon as I saw the message, I called 9-1-1 and sped home. I begged my friends not to follow, this was embarrassing and terrifying. They are some of the best people I know and did not listen to me.
During that drive, I had to call my neighbor of my entire life. She would be worried seeing cops at my house. She, in many ways, is like family. We don't share meals or talk every day, but we check in. I told her what was happening and she went outside to see the officers. By that time, my ex had driven off, leaving behind evidence that she was there to scare me, to threaten me yet again.
That day broke me in a way I was able to heal from, but it took a long time to feel myself in my own home again. My house has since gone through many transformations, we have done a lot of work to get this energy right. I am so careful with who can come in, who can share space, and the boundaries that come with maintaining my safest space.
I share this even though it's hard to revisit these memories. I hope these words reach someone that needs a sign to LEAVE. Our peace is worth so much. If I could go back, I would have left at the first sign of gaslighting, the first feeling of manipulation. It is not worth it. No te dejes.