I’ve been nervous to post this, to write about it, to share it in general. It’s a huge scary world filled with cynical people dissecting every move--- it’s also a big beautiful world full of people with light and love. I choose to roll with the side full of luz & just know that sharing my story will be ok. This is my story, this is not a formula or by any means a plan. I loved myself 50lbs heavier, I love myself today.
Everything is everything, right? Let’s go back a little.
I have come to realize that a toxic relationship with a former partner had me all mixed up around food. They didn’t always have enough money to eat, so that was one of the ways I showed love. I cooked and always made sure there was extra for them to take home. It became an expectation I grew to resent when things went south in other ways. That person pointed out my weight gain, they came up and grabbed my beloved lonjas with hands that did not feel loving nor gentle. At one point, their touch made me feel like I had espinas all over my body, as if my skin was rejecting their graze. I gained over 40 pounds during the two years I was with this person, all in my panza, as if to wedge us farther apart. One of the very last, if not the final, conversations we had, ended with her calling me a “mean fat girl”. Fat isn’t a bad word, but I am not a mean person. It cut me so deep. It cut me to the core.
Growing up I was always gordita y bien contena. I have always been confident about my body and have generally been happy with my looks. Laura, my sister and #1 hype girl, my Mami, my Tias-- they always had me real chiflada. I can honestly say that I haven’t had any major body issues until that awful relationship. Healing is a process, one I am very much still in, and I’m grateful that most of my life has been laced with confidence. I know that is a gift and do not take it for granted. Tasting that bitterness only makes the sweeter so much more delicious.
So, earlier this year I shared this blog about my visit to New Orleans and how much I hated all the walking in my favorite city. It was hard to realize it in the moment, NOLA is so special and a walking tour is beautiful. I felt like I was cheating myself out of experiencing something so magical.
I decided to make major changes right after I got home. March has always been a significant and transitional time for me. I’m surrounded by Pisces women, my best friends, sister, niece-- all fierce fish. I’ve noticed a pattern, magical things happen in March.
The first thing I did was think about how I was nourishing my body, and the truth was that I really wasn’t. I grew accustomed to not cooking, eating out for nearly every meal, and only when I was ridiculously hungry. I started making my own green juice again, I swear to God and Beyoncé that this stuff is magic. I also cut all processed sugar from my diet for a few weeks. I needed a major shift to wean myself off food that was literally doing nothing nutritious for my body. I’m going to list a few things that helped me get on track, again. For the first few weeks I really just loved on myself extra hard and didn’t think about movement. I eased back into cooking and grocery shopping and took note of how certain foods made me feel.
I went back to the gym a couple weeks after that and tried to make it a nearly every day thing. I have incorporated my love of music with something I dread-- cardio. It has made things easier and apparently others appreciate it too! I get so many messages about the music I share. I’m happy that my motivation has moved others, literally!
There are so many things I want to share and document, but this entry might get too long. For now I’ll share some of the things that have been vital in this change:
- Water!! Drink so much water. Yes, you’ll have to pee constantly, but we need it. I can’t tell you how many times water has saved me. Agua es vida.
- When I can’t make my own green juice, I pay for it and don’t feel bad about it. I support a local black-owned business called Squeezers. They make the best juice and I’m circulating my coin where it matters.
- Sonia, Myra, Yvette, Perla: these women have supported me endlessly, have helped me stay accountable and inspired. I love you. Thank you.
- I eat what I want, when I want. I find that when I give myself time to think about what I will eat, I find myself craving colorful, bright foods. Decolonizing my diet.
- I’ve had ups and downs. I didn’t work out for a month and a half. I don’t feel bad about it-- I try my hardest to never let guilt have a role in my selfcare.
- I have found that alone time at the gym is sometimes the ONLY time I have to myself--- I cherish it!
- Slow and steady por vida.
- It’s been HELLA fun wearing old clothes, giving clothes away, buying new stuff, etc.
- I love showing off my panza, she’s still llenita and so cute.
I’ll write more about food and culture and how my Tía Mari used to guilt me into eating every last grain of rice on my plate. I’m nervous to share this foto and this part of my story, but I know my community holds me up. More later!